It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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