When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
