the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
