Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
