i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
