Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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