listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize