Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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