I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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