I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Randomize
