My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
my phone needs a breathalizer
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
