Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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