woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
