I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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