Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
