I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
