my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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