Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
