I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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