the condom got lost in my hair
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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