I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
