fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You ruined the universe
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
