Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
