his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
