I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
