i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
