You're my little dorito
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
