I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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