Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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