Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize