Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
