So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
