I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
