drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
