Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
