...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
