i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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