I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I just forgot I was standing up.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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