dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
