look no pants
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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