Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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