I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
The cops high fived after they tackled you
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
