hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
