I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
