What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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