I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
