I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
