OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
