Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
