Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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