so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I wish there were birth control emojis
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
