my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize