I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
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