i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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