y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
