genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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