when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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