we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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