You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
