god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
