Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
she pinky promised me she was 18
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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